I think quite possibly this has been the most difficult year for us. But like I always say, the most difficult things are always of the most worth.
This year has been one of countless trials, tears, sleepless nights, and prayers. I never truly got what it meant to always have a prayer in your heart until this year. I think I am constantly praying, even when I don’t realize it.
I came across a progress journal that I started in January for Cruise that I unfortunately didn’t continue, but I read it and realized just how much progress he has made in the past year. This is more for me than you all, but I am going to type it out so I can have it always. So, here it is:
1/19/2010: -Speech evaluation with April; referred to Occupational Therapist, Angela.
1/24/2010: -Started using communication cards (PECS
1/25/2010: -Said, “ball”
1/26/2010: -OT Evaluation with Angela
-Said, “bubbles”
1/27/2010: -Said, “Thank you”
2/1/2010: -Said, “go, go, go!”
2/2/2010: -OT: shown different sensory activities
-said, “let’s go!”
-said, “bubbles” as he pointed to bubbles in a book
-said, “banana” while handing picture card
2/3/2010: -AM: played with pillows, being squished
-listened to favorite music and sang songs
-played under blanket
-did arm and body compressions: enjoyed and relaxed
-talked to Daddy on phone
-gave Jett 2 kisses, wanted to hold Jett
-used “more” sign using help, to ask for more Rice Krispies
-because we started the day with a lot of sensory activities, he’s been more cooperative and less demanding of my time
-ordered Lycra bed sheet and hammock
-a lot more “talkative” than usual
-communicated wanted a nap by bringing me his Teddy, “baba” and squinting his eyes as if asleep
-said, “uh huh” in answering question
-said, “boat” without the “t”
-FITS: 2
-MELTDOWNS: O!
-TIME-OUTS: 0!
-I felt like a very good mom today.
2/4/2010: -playdate with Logan
-1st half of day was happy and cooperative
-struggled with therapy
-woke in the middle of night-I did compressions on arms and body; that helped him sleep
2/5/2010: -slept horribly
-had a couple meltdowns
-said, “tickle”
-rode in bike trailer which relaxed him
-visit from Kids on the Move
-I held him during a meltdown then got him to lay on the floor while I did compressions all over his body. Calmed him right down.
-May be dehydrated?
-used “more” sign with help
2/7/2010: -we came to church 15 minutes early so Cruise would have time to adjust before sacrament
-we used the car picture before we left for church and the car and home pictures after church
-Cruise lasted 25 minutes in sacrament mtg!
-did well when congregation sang if he was playing with busy book
-did better during nursery singing time since we told them to start with soft song and to let him use the visual aids
-woke from nap and had a major meltdown (more common after naps)
-wasn’t too interested in doing therapy
-said, “thank you”
-“talked” to Dave for about 45 minutes before falling asleep
-new pictures for board
-M&M chart
2/8/2010: -Cruise woke at 5AM but slept through the night
-did therapy by using heavy blankets: “Where’s Cruise?” and tickling. Liked the tickling but started to get really upset if I let it go awhile
-took an 1 hr. 45 minute nap but woke up and had another meltdown. Tried to distract him by putting on a show but started to have another meltdown. When I tried to turn it off, he got even more upset. Set the volume low.
-tired to say “more” while using sign
-sang songs and I had Jett doing the actions which Cruise really responded to
-Cruise wanted Jett to lay on top of him as he laid on his tummy. Great way to interact with both boys at the same time!
2/9/2010: -woke at 1AM then again at 5AM and wouldn’t go back to sleep
-played with play dough
-took outside to park for 1 hr.
-swings: we talked about the color blue; he looked at the sky and got him to say “ssss”. We then pointed to eyes, nose, mouth, ears, face and head.
-walked around and tried to get him to say “tree” but just said, “truh”
-called the dog and made clicking sound like I do
-said, “goonigh!” (goodnight)
2/10/2010: -woke at 1AM again
2/11/2010: -OT
2/12/2010: -made a new schedule
-used exercise ball to squish
-went to park
-pushed box with weights
-pushed him in lycra hammock
2/14/2010: -therapy before church
-endured 30 minutes of Sacrament Meeting
-used earplugs for soloist
-did AMAZING in nursery
2/15/2010: -went to Dino Museum
-didn’t get a lot of therapy in morning so had a lot of meltdowns
-walked around with weighted backpack
2/16/2010: -swung in hammock
-pushed large broom on sidewalk
-raked snow
-took a walk
-climbed
-swung
I remember now that I stopped the journal because he got RSV and then Jett got it which led to Jett being hospitalized and so, I never continued the journal. But as I look back, things were like this for a LONG while, but he always improved and continues to improve each and every day. I am just glad he sleeps through the night now.
The stress has aged me. The stress of having an autistic son, the stress of having an infant, the stress of having no income, the stress of not having enough income, the stress of the unknown, the stress of not sleeping…it’s aged me and has really worn on me this year. I’m not gonna say it’s been my favorite year, but I will say that I do feel very blessed.
Life in general is not easy, especially if you are always trying your best. And when you are trying your best, you never feel like it is good enough. I think that’s a battle we all face. I have my trials and hard times, and so do you; but to be honest, I wouldn’t trade my trials for anyone else’s. Mine are tailored to me, because God knows I can handle them; despite large bald spots on my head and panic attacks, I can keep going, and He knows that I can keep going.
Despite the stress, I have so much to be thankful for and so much to be happy about. My blessings outweigh my trials ten-fold. It’s the small moments that make my life so full and so blessed.
It’s when Cruise is polite and says “please” and “thank you”.
It’s when Jett gets into the peanut butter and gives me a HUGE smile when I catch him.
It’s when Dave notices that I tried to pick up before he got home.
It’s when one or both the boys come snuggle their Mom just because.
It’s when Cruise lets me hold him when he’s sad.
It’s when Jett puts his head on my shoulder when he’s sick.
It’s when all I get to do at the end of the day is talk to my best friend.
It’s when Jett follows me around asking to be read to.
It’s when Cruise runs and hugs me when he gets off the school bus.
It’s when we all are dancing to silly songs and just can’t stop because the boys want “more"!
It's when bubbles are the greatest thing in the world.
It's when hanging out on the kitchen floor is better than any other hang-out spot.
It's when everything slows down and you realize life couldn't be more perfect.
Yes, my life is truly blessed and I wouldn’t change anything. Yes, it would be nice to not have to worry about money on a daily basis, but that day will come and that day will bring other trials. I have to remind myself to not wish for what isn’t, because then I’ll spend the rest of my life wishing instead of living; instead of just enjoying what is now. It can be difficult sometimes, but at the end of the day, as the last child quietly falls asleep, I exhale slowly and think, “What more could I possibly want?”
1 comment:
LOVE this post. I love your little family.
It seems that whenever HF decides to dump trials on us, he pours blessings as well. It's just not always easy to see them through all the drama!
I love you and I'm sad for difficulties you've been facing, but you do it with such grace! You need to start having screaming meltdowns in the grocery store so HF stops feeling like you are so capable!! :)
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