Today You Are Sixteen

 Dear Cruise,

Sixteen years ago today, I became a mother. A mother to a beautiful baby boy. I was young, probably too young, and I definitely didn't know what I was doing. But we figured it out together, didn't we? But man, I can't believe it's been sixteen years. I can't believe you're sixteen years. I feel like each and every day I'm reminded that I might have you for only a couple more years, and then you'll be off, making adult decisions, living an adult life. I'm not ready for that. And to be honest, I don't feel like I'm even old enough to be making adult decisions and living an adult life. So when I think about you doing all that, it's scary and overwhelming, and some of the days I wish I could time travel to where you were still little and things weren't as complicated. But I guess, in a way, it's a blessing to feel that way because each and every day I'm overwhelmingly grateful to have you here. With me. Safe. 

Yesterday at church, as it was fast and testimony meeting, you unexpectedly stood up and walked up to the pulpit where you delivered the most beautiful testimony. I wish I could've recorded it. It was sincere, heartfelt, full of love and confidence, and most importantly, it was full of The Spirit. As I sat there, taking in every word, I teared up and found myself in awe of the young man you've become and the testimony you've grown. I think it was the first time I had heard your testimony and really knew it was yours and not part of mine. That you had really worked for it. And that you knew it to be true.

 Today as I was driving home from work, I thought about your life so far and how you've always exceeded expectations and how you've proved people wrong along the way. I love that you refuse to be put in a box and how you confidently reach for the furthest star, only to catch it and find another, further star to reach for. You're magnificent. 

Just in a week you'll be starting your Junior year. You're planning for taking the ACT, looking into colleges and scholarships, and already talking about serving a mission. You're still working at the Megaplex theaters and I'm so impressed that you've continued to work there and make your own money. You're not interested in driving yet, which, let's be honest, is kind of a relief. You love to write and create, and want to go into the film industry as a writer, director, and actor. You love playing D&D with Jett and your cousins. You're a deep thinker and always want to discuss ideas and thoughts. You're fun to be around and you make me laugh daily. I love that you're my son.

Cruise, I love you, kiddo. I am so proud of you and I wish I could say it was because of me, but it's all you, buddy. Thank you for being patient and understanding when I haven't been the best mom. Thank you for making me a better person. And thank you for loving me, even on my most unlovable days. 

Happy Birthday, Cruise. I love you so much.

Love,

Ma