I was on the verge of anxiety attack right before I left because not only had I never left the boys for more than a day, but I also felt like I didn't deserve a break. I had put together a social story for Cruise, but he deleted it on my computer last minute. I also had Dave video tape the bedtime routine (stories, songs, prayers, etc.) so Cruise would actually sleep while I was away. I was glad to hear the video worked.
Saturday morning I met a van full of women I had never met before. Okay, well, I had met ONE before, but everyone else seemed to know one another already. There were 12 of us packed in there tightly with all our gear and bags for an eight hour drive to Bluff, Utah. It actually went incredibly fast since we couldn't stop talking. The reason? We all have kids with autism.
The ONE person I knew in the group had actually invited me on this trip. She told me that an amazing non-profit called Soul-R-Eclipse raises money to take specific groups of women on river trips: breast cancer survivors, substance addiction survivors, and mothers of autistic children. How incredibly blessed I am to have been able to go on this trip with so many amazing women.
In the Autism community, it is generally understood that our families and close friends may never understand us, our circumstances, and just our daily living; but you get us together, having never met before, and we are instant friends. This was the case on the river. In the evenings, we would sit and talk for hours about our children and laugh until tears rolled down our cheeks. No one can understand like another Autism Mom.
The river changes you. I didn't think it would, but on the river I was able to learn quite a few lessons. I was able to clear my mind and slow down to internalize my blessings and my short-comings. And it all became so much more simple on the river.
My favorite part of the trip, other than making so many new friends, were the rapids. The second day on the river, I got to ducky down 8 foot rapids, dodging boulders and rocks like crazy. I paddled down the river for 17 straight miles, but it was the rapids that gave me a gift. All moms know that once you have kids, the YOU in you kind of fades and gets put on the back burner. After a few years, at least for me, I couldn't answer the question, "What do you like to do?" "What are your hobbies?" The blessed titles of "Mother" and "Wife" took over and the "Emily" got left behind. With that, my confidence in just being me dwindled and left me feeling like, maybe I can't do this or maybe I shouldn't try that. But the river changed that and reminded me who I am and the strength I have. It gave me my confidence back.
The rush I got from the rapids sort of lit me up inside and since I've been home, I look back on that when I'm having one of those moments and I am reminded that I can do anything.
I am overwhelmingly blessed with amazing opportunities, friends, and an incredible family. I am in awe of people like Yvette, who runs the non-profit who paid for us to enjoy this experience. She doesn't know what it's like to have an autistic child, but yet, she has an understanding of how difficult it can be and whole heartedly sympathizes with us. I am inspired by all the moms who went; their strength and examples gave me a renewed energy. I am put at ease by the river. All that beauty is such a gift from my Heavenly Father. His love for me reflected off the waters and looked down on me from the mountains. And it's His love that truly was that voice saying, "You can do hard things. You are Emily."
I am forever changed, and I thank God for the river.
