Today You Are Eighteen...

Dear Cruise, 

 The day has arrived: you're officially an adult! My, how the years have flown. And yet, I feel like I’ve soaked up every bit of the goodness you've brought into my life over the past eighteen years. Through all the struggles,tears, and worries, my greatest memories are filled with joy, laughter, simplicity, and love. As I’ve looked through the thousands of photos I’ve taken of you, I’m reminded of each stage, each one full of wonder and curiosity. Your love of space, then science, birds, and Pokémon. I’ve been there for your happiest moments and your most heartbreaking ones. I’ve stood in awe as your testimony and relationship with your Savior and Heavenly Father have deepened and grown. 

I often think back to when you were just a toddler and going to church was really hard. Back then it was a three-hour block, and you just couldn't sit still. It was too loud, too slow, too people-y. Your dad and I would spend most of the time walking around the building with you. I struggled in that ward, with the people and with the Bishop. It didn't feel welcoming, and I didn't have close friends. Every Sunday morning I’d wake up and cry, knowing we were heading into another difficult Sabbath day. There was a point where I seriously considered stopping church altogether. I prayed about it constantly. I felt like none of us were getting anything out of it except stress and exhaustion. But one day, after another desperate prayer, I got a very clear answer: Keep going. Don’t give up. I was promised that if we kept attending, we would be blessed, especially you and your brothers. So we kept going. It didn't get easier for a while, but we stayed. And now, when I see you sitting in the pew, feeling the Spirit, walking to the pulpit to share your testimony, or pausing to pray when you need direction or comfort, I think back to that moment. Back then, I couldn't see past the next Sunday, but God could. He knew how hard it was, and how discouraged I felt. But He also knew who you were becoming: one of His strongest warriors. I’m in awe of you. I admire your desire and willingness to serve a mission. Ever since you were little, you've wanted to serve. Just remember, when things get hard, when you question your testimony or feel overwhelmed by what the Lord asks of you, remember that Mom did too. I made a choice, and it has blessed our whole family. You will be blessed too. 

Your senior year of high school gave you a chance to relax a little and try new things. Becoming a Peer Tutor was such a powerful experience for you. You told me how it gave you insight—that you understood what it was like to be in Special Ed and also what it was like to be on the outside looking in. That kind of empathy is rare, and it brought you to tears. It made you a better Peer Tutor, and it made you an advocate for those who can’t always advocate for themselves. 

This past year, you graduated high school with all A’s and made the Honor Roll. You faced hard choices and chose to find a job instead of going straight to college. That decision led you to cashiering at Target, a job you genuinely enjoy. You’re such a hard worker, and you light up when you're serving others, whether that’s helping customers, handing out stickers to kids, or just connecting with people. You’re discovering what you love and what you don’t. You’re learning who you are in the grown-up world. (Spoiler alert: no one ever fully figures it out, we’re all still learning and growing, and that’s okay.) As you step into adulthood, you'll make decisions that shape your life in unexpected ways. But I promise, if you make those choices prayerfully, with the Spirit as your guide, even the hard ones will lead you where you're meant to be. 

Cruise, young adulthood is such an exciting time. You have a new freedom that’s thrilling, but also a little daunting. It’s like learning how to walk all over again except now you have bills. Ha! But truly, this can be one of the most fun and transformative times of your life. Here are three pieces of advice I want you to give you: 

1. Serve. Serving others not only helps them, it changes you. It will bring you closer to your Savior and help you become more like Him. 

2. Travel. See the world. Experience new cultures, places, and people. It will broaden your mind and soften your heart. Once you're married with kids, it becomes harder, so go now, while you can. 

3. Have fun! Find your people. Develop hobbies. Try new things. Laugh a lot. Enjoy the moment. 

Cruise, I love you. I love your kindness. I love your morning hugs and your goodnight hugs. I love that you thank me for feeding you, even when the meal wasn’t your favorite. I love that you’re obedient and help out, whether it’s cleaning the bathroom or walking Charles (even when you’d rather not). I love that you love your brothers and want to be with them. I love that you think and feel deeply, that you question and explore things you don’t understand. I love that you advocate for yourself and speak up when something isn’t right—that’s rare and brave. I love that when you say “I love you,” it’s with that huge smile you’ve had since you were a baby. Pure and full of love. 

I will always be here for you. Dad and I will always be in your corner. You’re a man now, with a wide-open life ahead of you. But you’ll always be my baby—the little boy with a backpack full of toys, heading off on an adventure. Fearless. 

God gave me the most important job in the world: to be your mom. I hope I haven’t traumatized you too much. I am so incredibly amazed by who you are and the man you're becoming. You are good, Cruise. You’re a good man. And I am so proud to call you my son. It is the greatest honor of my life to be your Mom. 

 Happy 18th Birthday, Cruise. I just love you, so very, very much. 

Love, 

Mom

Today You Are Seventeen

Lately I've been flipping through pictures in my mind of the past 17 years. Your first crawl, first steps. Your favorite shows: Curious George & Veggie Tales. Your first day of Preschool. Your general excitement for life. Your dreams of becoming great things like an astronaut, scientist, artist, film producer. You've always been determined and motivated by dreams. I've watched you change passions and plans. I've seen the emotional toll of autism and neurodivergence that affects you so deeply. But I also see someone who is strong and pushes through; overcoming obstacles in his own way, at his own pace. I see wonder and endless options and possibilities. 

You've spent the past year growing, working out your emotions and plans. Figuring out who you are and who you want to be. I've seen you wrestle with the Spirit as you come to know your Savior and His love for you. Your testimony has grown and when you share it, my mother heart bursts and I am in awe of you and the person you are and who you're becoming.

You're seventeen now. It's your last year that you are legally a child. But son, you will always be my child, whether 4, 17, 45, or 60. You'll always be my baby. You'll always be my big, brown-eyed boy with the biggest smile and the most gentle love. 

This being your senior year in high school has me a little apprehensive. I'm half mourning and half proud and excited. I always hated when people would look at the crazy little boys crawling all over me and well-meaningly said, "It goes so fast." But kiddo, it really has gone so fast. The days were long, some longer than others, but the years really did pass in a blink of an eye. 

As a mom, I have tried so hard to enjoy all the moments, and appreciate the now; to love you as you are in that stage of your life. Obviously I haven't been perfect at it, but I hope as you get older you realize just how much you are loved and wanted and needed. You are loved because you're you. Not because you're handsome, funny, smart, interesting, kind, spiritual, talented, and fun to be around. Those all are things that describe you. But Cruise, you are loved simply because you are you. You are mine. All of those descriptions could fall away and I would love you just the same. You are the greatest thing I've ever done. 

I gave birth to you when I was super young and needed a lot more experience. You came along and we became a little team. I helped you grow, just as you helped me. In a very real sense, we raised each other. We didn't do too bad if I do say so myself. But now that you are on your way to finishing high school, I don't quite know what to do. I don't really know how to be a mom to an adult, so that's going to have to be another thing we do together. We gotta be on each other's team and lift each other up.

I love watching you grow and work through things that are hard or unpleasant. I love learning about you every day. I love our Mom & Son dates where you to tell me about your ideas and thoughts and current projects while we eat ice cream or do some other activity. I love that you greet me with a hug and say goodbye with an excited wave and huge smile across your face. 

This next year is going to be a year of big decisions, but just know that no matter what you choose, I will always be here to cheer you on and support you. There is nothing you can't do. I am so proud of you Cruise. You're amazing and I love you so much!

Happy Birthday, Cruise!

Love,

Mom 

Today You Are Sixteen

 Dear Cruise,

Sixteen years ago today, I became a mother. A mother to a beautiful baby boy. I was young, probably too young, and I definitely didn't know what I was doing. But we figured it out together, didn't we? But man, I can't believe it's been sixteen years. I can't believe you're sixteen years. I feel like each and every day I'm reminded that I might have you for only a couple more years, and then you'll be off, making adult decisions, living an adult life. I'm not ready for that. And to be honest, I don't feel like I'm even old enough to be making adult decisions and living an adult life. So when I think about you doing all that, it's scary and overwhelming, and some of the days I wish I could time travel to where you were still little and things weren't as complicated. But I guess, in a way, it's a blessing to feel that way because each and every day I'm overwhelmingly grateful to have you here. With me. Safe. 

Yesterday at church, as it was fast and testimony meeting, you unexpectedly stood up and walked up to the pulpit where you delivered the most beautiful testimony. I wish I could've recorded it. It was sincere, heartfelt, full of love and confidence, and most importantly, it was full of The Spirit. As I sat there, taking in every word, I teared up and found myself in awe of the young man you've become and the testimony you've grown. I think it was the first time I had heard your testimony and really knew it was yours and not part of mine. That you had really worked for it. And that you knew it to be true.

 Today as I was driving home from work, I thought about your life so far and how you've always exceeded expectations and how you've proved people wrong along the way. I love that you refuse to be put in a box and how you confidently reach for the furthest star, only to catch it and find another, further star to reach for. You're magnificent. 

Just in a week you'll be starting your Junior year. You're planning for taking the ACT, looking into colleges and scholarships, and already talking about serving a mission. You're still working at the Megaplex theaters and I'm so impressed that you've continued to work there and make your own money. You're not interested in driving yet, which, let's be honest, is kind of a relief. You love to write and create, and want to go into the film industry as a writer, director, and actor. You love playing D&D with Jett and your cousins. You're a deep thinker and always want to discuss ideas and thoughts. You're fun to be around and you make me laugh daily. I love that you're my son.

Cruise, I love you, kiddo. I am so proud of you and I wish I could say it was because of me, but it's all you, buddy. Thank you for being patient and understanding when I haven't been the best mom. Thank you for making me a better person. And thank you for loving me, even on my most unlovable days. 

Happy Birthday, Cruise. I love you so much.

Love,

Ma

Today You Are Fourteen

 

My Dear Cruise,

Wow. I just can't believe how grown up you're getting! Despite the fact that it makes me feel incredibly old, I just love watching you grow up and become your own person. This past year has been crazy, especially since you had to do 8th grade at home and we are yet STILL in a pandemic. But you've been awesome through it all and I am so very excited for you to be able to go back to school and have an amazing year! I'm especially excited that you applied and got into Honors Art. That is going to be such a fun class and I know you'll continue to grow in your art and creativity. I am just so proud of you! You're going to do wonderful things.

Well, this year you got your very first grown up cell phone. I remember you getting your very first baby cell phone. It was an Elmo phone and you got it for your 1st birthday. You LOVED that phone and played with it all the time. You've had your hand-me-down iPhone for a whole day now and you already love playing with that one. 

My, how the years have flown. You used to be this adorable chubby baby and now you're an adorable big teenager. I love your sense of humor and how you never act like you're too old for Mom's hugs and kisses. I love that you can talk to me about anything and I love that you are so unique and your own person. I love that you write and draw. I love that you are so creative and imaginative. I love your confidence in who you are and your fearlessness to interact with the world. I admire that a lot.

I hope this year is good to you and that you'll get to learn all sorts of new things and make new friends. I hope you continue to develop your skills and learn more about yourself. I hope you continue to grow in the gospel and that you'll always lean on the Lord and your parents. We love you so much and we love who you are and the man you're becoming. I say it every year, but it's always true: I love being your mom! And I am so grateful that I am. It's never boring. 

I can't wait to see what you'll do this year! Have a great one, kiddo! Happy Birthday!

I love you so much,

Mom

Today You Are Thirteen

 Dear Cruise,

I don't know how it happened so quickly, but you are no longer a child. Today you are a teenager. Sometimes when I look at you smiling at me, all I see is One Year you with your dimples and great big, twinkly brown eyes staring back. I can't believe how much you've grown. 

This past year has been an interesting one. You started jr. high last August not realizing how crazy things would be six months later, as we found ourselves learning from home and quarantining from the rest of the world because of COVID-19. It hasn't been the easiest living in a pandemic as a kid, but you've been patient and oh so very sweet. I have been able to count on you to be obedient and a peace-maker in our home and I am so grateful you've been that person.

You've spent a lot of time this year making funny videos on your Scratch.com account, and later sharing them on YouTube. I love your sense of humor; it brings me so much joy and helps me find laughter in a world that's increasingly sad, scary, and wicked. I hope that is something you will always share with others. Even if they don't appreciate it as much as I do. You should still share it. 

This year you also grew A TON and you are now almost taller than me, and your feet are definitely bigger. Which is fine with me because that means you'll stop stealing my sandals...maybe. Your voice is changing and Dad finally taught you how to shave. It is all so surreal to watch you grow up. 

Cruise, I can't tell you what this next year has to offer. I don't know if I'll do a good job homeschooling you. I don't know if we'll stay healthy. I don't know if the pandemic might get better, or if it will get worse. However, no matter what is going on around us, we have so much to be grateful for. No matter how bleak things may seem in the world, we have so much light and love within our own home. The Gospel of Jesus Christ strengthens each one of us, and His love brings us joy and refuge. Something I've enjoyed during this pandemic has been being able to do church at home. I love that you have a dad who is worthy to bless the sacrament, and I love that I have a son who is worthy to pass it. I am so grateful for your goodness and your desire to be righteous in all things. My prayer is that you continue to develop your testimony and to be continually striving to be a righteous man.

Cruise, I love you so much! You made me a mom 13 years ago. I had no idea what kind of kid I was getting when they placed you in my arms after you were born. I had no idea that I'd be getting a one-of-a-kind kid. But I don't think I could've imagined all the blessings I'd receive from having you as a son. You make me a better Mom and a better person.

Happy Birthday Cruise! You deserve to have an amazing day! I hope you always remember that your Mom loves you and that you are good, and kind, and so incredibly awesome.

Love,

Mom

August 2019

Boys Day Boating

August started out with boating. Dave took the boys, their friend Trevor, and Dave's brother Joe, out on Utah Lake. I stayed home and had some alone time because...summer. Apparently Trevor was pretty scared there for awhile, but eventually warmed up and finally enjoyed himself. 

Miles Cuts His Hair
August 5th was the day Miles decided to give himself a haircut. I was too upset to take a picture and tried my darndest to save it, but he had chosen the worst place to cut it: right up front. So I had to take it all. Miles felt so bad, that he drew me a picture. Because that's how Miles shows his love. You know he really loves you when he draws you pictures.

Cruise's Birthday
The 7th was Cruise's 12th birthday! He decided to invite 3 friends, Aiden, Sam, and Ethan, to Fat Cats that had just opened in Saratoga Springs in July. It was the first time any of us had been there and we were pleasantly surprised at how nice it was and how many arcade games they had. We had the boys all do some glow miniature golf first, which lasted a total of 5 minutes. Then we gave them each a card with money for the arcade games. It worked out great because it was half-price Wednesday, so our $10/kid budget really was $20/kid. Score! That lasted about an hour, and then after they turned in their tickets for prizes, we went out to the car for cupcakes! It was windy out, so we had to have Cruise blow his candle out in the car, where he also opened all his presents. It wasn't ideal, but it was free! And everyone loves free.

Cruise had received a Storm Trooper mask for his birthday that distorts your voice. So of course he offered to read Jett and Miles their bedtime stories and they all thought it was the most hilarious thing ever. And it totally was.

Then that Sunday we had the Ybarras over to celebrate his birthday. Vanilla on vanilla cake. And he got lots of $$$. That's all he really asked for, and he got it!

Strawberry Trip
On the 9th, we took a mini camping trip to Strawberry Reservoir.

 When Dave went with the scouts to Strawberry, he learned of the good places to camp you don't have to pay, so we headed up that way and found us a nice spot. Everyone was helpful setting up camp so we could go down to the lake.

Miles was really good at catching crickets and bugs. 

 Once we got everything set up, we headed out to the lake and snorkeled for crawdads! Luckily we all had our wetsuits. We also had a couple of nets to share and Dave had a trap and raw chicken legs to catch them with. The boys loved every minute. And I loved watching everyone have a good time. Because really, that's a good time to me.

 Miles got super cold at one point and called it quits. So I got him all changed and bundled up in the back of the van on the blowup mattress.

 The clouds rolled in and started raining a little. We made it back to camp and cooked up burgers under an umbrella. It could've been a lot worse. Luckily it passed pretty quickly and we got to enjoy the evening.

 We decided to cook up the crawdads we caught and while we waited for the water to boil, we sat around and tried to tell ghost stories and play the alphabet game. It wasn't long before Cruise revolted and decided it was too boring.

 Finally the crawdads were ready to eat and produced, as usual, a minimal amount of meat.

 We put the boys to bed finally and Dave and I stayed up and made sure the fire was completely out before we turned in ourselves. While the boys slept in the tent on mattresses, Dave and I had our own in the van. It got cold, but everyone seemed to stay pretty warm. Although, I never feel like we bring enough blankets. You can never have too many blankets camping.

 In the morning, we had cereal, muffins, and cocoa for breakfast. At one point, Miles almost fell head first into the fire, but luckily my cat-like reflexes saved him. My phone fell and got covered in cocoa, but Miles made it home with a face. So it was all good. 

 After breakfast, we packed up camp and it was THE. WORST. There was mud everywhere and everything was wet. The kids were minimally helpful. Cruise, at one point, put on his sandals and decided it would be fun to jump into a giant mud puddle where both his feet and the sandals were quickly eaten up and he was stuck. There was mud all over his pants and feet and sandals. I had to pull him out and clean his feet off, which was not an easy task. Once he was clean, I banished him to the van to watch a movie and wouldn't let him out. The whole pack-up experience was a nightmare and Dave and I decided to not do this again. But we probably will because we're parents and parents say that all the time and then completely forget how awful it is until the next time they go.

Once packed up, everyone (not me) wanted to go back to the lake and catch more crawdads. So we went and spent a couple more hours doing that. Having reached my stress and anxiety threshold at that point, I sat in a camping chair next to the car and worked on a bag of dill sunflower seeds as I watched everyone snorkel. When the boys came in with a crawdad, I'd help them put it in the bucket. And they came in with A LOT. And Dave, who had lost the trap, spent the majority of the time looking for it. Luckily, he eventually found it and it was full of crawdads.

 When we got home, we cooked them all up and there were so many they started crawling out of the pot! It's best to just think of them as tiny lobsters, otherwise it's completely gross and creepy.

 That many crawdads produced this plate of meat. Yup. It's never worth it, but the boys for some reason love it. I will say though, it's pretty delicious.

Last Backflip
On the 16th, we invited our friends, the Lowes, onto the boat. All 8 of them. We had the whole lake to ourselves and the Lowes loved every second. However, this was also the trip where Dave tried to do a backflip on the wakeboard and ended up tearing his MCL, which ended the wakeboarding season early. Sadly, it was a sobering reminder that we aren't 17 anymore.

First Day of School

The first day of school for Cruise was the 19th: 7th Grade Day! He was SO. EXCITED. and I was SO. NERVOUS for him. When I dropped him off at school, all the teachers were waiting outside with music blaring and they cheered as every student made their way into the school. It was the sweetest thing and Cruise loved it. And it made me feel a lot better about his day.

 Then Jett started 4th grade with Mr. Morris on the 20th.

 And then Miles started Kindergarten on the 27th with Mrs. Gunn! He got a new backpack and a new Pokemon shirt and was ready for anything! Dave and I took him to his first day, and of course the first thing he did was make a new friend. After we said goodbye, Dave and I went on a celebratory breakfast date to Waffle Love. It was the first time we had gone and I'm sad to say, it was the most disappointed I have ever been in a waffle place. I mean, maybe for dessert, but man oh man, not breakfast! But it was still nice to get out just the two of us.

 

Honorable Mentions:

Miles wanted a picture in the tree after church.

Jett got new shorts and quickly realized he looked just like Dave before/after work. Dave brings his suitcase into the house up on his hand like a pizza deliverer.

The boys spent a good deal of time at the neighbor's pool with a bunch of neighbor kids. Luckily it's right next door, so it was easy to check on them.

I found an old hot chocolate can full of my Pogs from when I was a kid. I showed the boys how to play. It held their attention for maybe 5 minutes. Ugh.

My mom came to Utah for Education Week at BYU and stopped by our house bearing gifts for the kids. Cruise got Grandma's old laptop for school, Jett got a surfer shirt, and Miles got a pilot hat, which he wore EVERYWHERE for the next two weeks.

Miles brought me a flower he picked and wanted me to put it in my hair.

We visited the Provo pool on their last outside day open. I'm surprised I didn't get more pictures, but the truth is, we were just having too much fun to stop and snap pictures.

And finally, Dave took Jett fly fishing again. It had been so long that he grew out of his waders. Luckily, he was able to wear some of Dave's, but he was definitely too small for them.

And that was August!