Just Some Stuff...

Sometimes I focus more on events. Straight to the point. Sometimes I forget what I really want to say. And sometimes I have trouble finding the words.

I look back on the year and I'm overcome with gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the countless blessings He's showered upon my little family and upon me. I'm no one special. I don't do anything better than anyone else, and I sure heck am no better than the next person. Yet the things I do that please Him, are met with blessings ten-fold. And then I think about my own kids. Like when Jett gets candy and sets aside half of it for Cruise for when he gets home from school, just because he's his brother. Or when Cruise tries so hard to do what we ask because he loves us. Those small little things make me want to shower my boys with love and affection and even things they want. And then I truly understand the nature of our Heavenly Father. He really does love us so much. He loves me so much.

There are days I am impatient and not very understanding. Days I'm not proud of. In those moments of weakness that may result in me making my little boys cry, my heart is torn and I am humbled to realize my kids are so much better than I. More patient, more positive, more forgiving. I am amazed at the love they show and have for me: their terribly imperfect mother.

There are days when I do things right. Days I am so proud of. I speak soft and take time to listen and understand. Days when I can meet the tsunami that is autism with grace and creativity. Days where I can show more love than discipline. Those days are better than any other.

I've spent too much time wishing. Wasted perfectly good minutes where I could be doing, but instead I am wishing I was MORE. More organized, more intelligent, more sociable, more witty, prettier, stronger, more disciplined, more talented, more patient, more thoughtful, more driven. But it wasn't until recently that I've been able to silence the bully that once lived inside my head. The bully that taunted and teased with every glance of a mirror and every shortcoming that is presented in every day. That bully that once held me back from truly understanding the truth: I am so much more.

This isn't an ego thing, but more of an appreciation for what the Lord has given me and a realization of my true worth. Instead of a deflated balloon (that was once a toned mid-section), I see a beautiful home to three babies that once resided within. I see the strength, long-suffering, and faith it took to not only bear those children, but to choose to do so.

Instead of horrifying stretch marks that mark my body, I see battle scars.

Instead of the ghastly, socially unacceptable bulges of cellulite and love handles, I see the beauty of imperfection and the strength I find in knowing that I am so much more than what everyone sees from the outside.

I've come to the realization that the days I worry less about my weight, my big hips, my not-so-elastic skin and the bags under my eyes, and focus more on my kids, I feel better about myself. It is so sad it has taken this long to understand this. Yes, I always knew it, but it never really sank in until recently. I feel beautiful when I am the best Mother and Wife I can be.

So for 2014, my #1 goal is to feel more beautiful by being the person the Lord knows I can be. I would love to exercise to stay healthy, and I probably will, but my obsession will be with my family. Because that is all I hope to tell my Savior when I return to Him: I'm addicted to my family.

Miles Update, Gingerbread Houses, Snow & Harris's Christmas Party

Miles Update

Every day Miles wakes up, he is so much bigger, less wobbly, more alert, and more smiley. I have such conflicting feelings of being so excited that he is getting bigger and more interactive, yet so sad because  time rushes by too fast and soon he will no longer be a baby. But I guess that realization helps me savor every moment, take in every second, and enjoy it all, even the exhausting parts. I wish I had enjoyed those moments just a bit more with the two older boys.

Miles is getting so big! He is already out of his 0-3 month clothes and into his 3-6 month. He eats a lot, and is getting better at sleeping at night. So far he is sleeping 6 hours straight and Mom & Dad couldn't be happier! Miles is still such a chill, happy baby. I keep holding my breathe, anticipating that time he will switch it up on us and scream all night long like the other boys did for awhile. But lately, I change him, feed him, burp him, lay him down in his crib with a binky, turn on his mobile, and kiss him good night. He just watches the mobile until his eyelids give out. No crying. No fussing. Just a peaceful little baby. I didn't know some babies were so easy! It is definitely a nice change of pace, that's for sure.

Miles is going to be my musician. He just loves music and always calms down when music is playing. He especially likes Coldplay and John Mayer. He is a big fan of acoustic guitar as well. Miles is happiest when someone is just talking to him, face to face. He gets scared of deep voices and cries when Cruise has meltdowns and yells. He loves to watch his brothers play and bounce around the house. He thinks they are just great fun and I'm sure he is antsy to join in the craziness.

Miles loves baths and cries when we take him out. But quickly calms down once he is dressed, fed and snuggled. He loves to be bounced on my knees and gets so excited when I return from being away for a bit. He loves to be held and snuggled and enjoys being walked around so he can observe his environment. He is such a wonderful baby and I just can't get enough of him! So much so that I am excited when he wakes up at night (most the time) so I can give him kisses and snuggles.

Gingerbread Houses

The boys love doing gingerbread houses, but I am too lazy to make gingerbread, shape it into parts of a house, and buy all the candy and frosting. So I buy a kit and I'm always glad I do. Sure, sometimes the cookies are broken and the candy is nasty, but the kids love it. They look forward to it every Christmas, which is why I keep doing it.

Snow

The temperatures have been incredibly frigid. Like 3 degrees. There's been a lot of snow and a lot of ice! The boys luckily have all their snow gear and thanks to Dave, they have a lot of fun!

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Harris's Christmas Party

Cruise's teacher, Mr. Harris, holds a very special Christmas party every year for his students past and present. And every year, so I hear, it is the exact same thing because, after all, with Autism, predictability means guaranteed fun! Of course, it was our first year, but we all had a blast, especially Cruise. 

They started out playing snowball fight with paper. The boys always love being allowed to throw things at people, so it was a great activity. Then the kids sang songs and of course Cruise had to be front and center, singing as loudly as possible. 

Then Santa arrived! Both the boys were so excited I thought they would both pee their pants. Jett wouldn't look at him once on his lap, I think it was a bit overwhelming, but he was still happy he got to meet the Big Man! His gift was a pack of Go Fish cards and a Hot Wheels car.

Then it was Cruise's turn. He walked up to Santa and said, "Hi Santa! My name is Cruise!" He then sat on his lap and answered Santa's questions like, "Were you a good boy this year?" Cruise then interrupted the questioning and said, "Um...I have to tell you what I want for Christmas! I want a snowboard, a guitar, and a bike!" Dave & I had already taken care of the guitar and the bike, but a snowboard?! Earlier in the week he had said he wanted a hover board for Christmas. When we broke the news to him that they didn't exist, he was thoroughly upset. But we showed him videos of other types of boards like skateboards, wakeboards, and snowboards. So apparently he wants a snowboard now. 

Cruise's gift was a package of fake mustaches.

Then Miles got a turn on Santa's lap. He sort of stared at him for a few seconds, trying to make sense of what he was looking at, and then looked away obviously unimpressed. 

It was such a great party and I know it'll be something we look forward to every year!