Just Some Stuff...

Sometimes I focus more on events. Straight to the point. Sometimes I forget what I really want to say. And sometimes I have trouble finding the words.

I look back on the year and I'm overcome with gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the countless blessings He's showered upon my little family and upon me. I'm no one special. I don't do anything better than anyone else, and I sure heck am no better than the next person. Yet the things I do that please Him, are met with blessings ten-fold. And then I think about my own kids. Like when Jett gets candy and sets aside half of it for Cruise for when he gets home from school, just because he's his brother. Or when Cruise tries so hard to do what we ask because he loves us. Those small little things make me want to shower my boys with love and affection and even things they want. And then I truly understand the nature of our Heavenly Father. He really does love us so much. He loves me so much.

There are days I am impatient and not very understanding. Days I'm not proud of. In those moments of weakness that may result in me making my little boys cry, my heart is torn and I am humbled to realize my kids are so much better than I. More patient, more positive, more forgiving. I am amazed at the love they show and have for me: their terribly imperfect mother.

There are days when I do things right. Days I am so proud of. I speak soft and take time to listen and understand. Days when I can meet the tsunami that is autism with grace and creativity. Days where I can show more love than discipline. Those days are better than any other.

I've spent too much time wishing. Wasted perfectly good minutes where I could be doing, but instead I am wishing I was MORE. More organized, more intelligent, more sociable, more witty, prettier, stronger, more disciplined, more talented, more patient, more thoughtful, more driven. But it wasn't until recently that I've been able to silence the bully that once lived inside my head. The bully that taunted and teased with every glance of a mirror and every shortcoming that is presented in every day. That bully that once held me back from truly understanding the truth: I am so much more.

This isn't an ego thing, but more of an appreciation for what the Lord has given me and a realization of my true worth. Instead of a deflated balloon (that was once a toned mid-section), I see a beautiful home to three babies that once resided within. I see the strength, long-suffering, and faith it took to not only bear those children, but to choose to do so.

Instead of horrifying stretch marks that mark my body, I see battle scars.

Instead of the ghastly, socially unacceptable bulges of cellulite and love handles, I see the beauty of imperfection and the strength I find in knowing that I am so much more than what everyone sees from the outside.

I've come to the realization that the days I worry less about my weight, my big hips, my not-so-elastic skin and the bags under my eyes, and focus more on my kids, I feel better about myself. It is so sad it has taken this long to understand this. Yes, I always knew it, but it never really sank in until recently. I feel beautiful when I am the best Mother and Wife I can be.

So for 2014, my #1 goal is to feel more beautiful by being the person the Lord knows I can be. I would love to exercise to stay healthy, and I probably will, but my obsession will be with my family. Because that is all I hope to tell my Savior when I return to Him: I'm addicted to my family.