Lately I've been flipping through pictures in my mind of the past 17 years. Your first crawl, first steps. Your favorite shows: Curious George & Veggie Tales. Your first day of Preschool. Your general excitement for life. Your dreams of becoming great things like an astronaut, scientist, artist, film producer. You've always been determined and motivated by dreams. I've watched you change passions and plans. I've seen the emotional toll of autism and neurodivergence that affects you so deeply. But I also see someone who is strong and pushes through; overcoming obstacles in his own way, at his own pace. I see wonder and endless options and possibilities.
You've spent the past year growing, working out your emotions and plans. Figuring out who you are and who you want to be. I've seen you wrestle with the Spirit as you come to know your Savior and His love for you. Your testimony has grown and when you share it, my mother heart bursts and I am in awe of you and the person you are and who you're becoming.
You're seventeen now. It's your last year that you are legally a child. But son, you will always be my child, whether 4, 17, 45, or 60. You'll always be my baby. You'll always be my big, brown-eyed boy with the biggest smile and the most gentle love.
This being your senior year in high school has me a little apprehensive. I'm half mourning and half proud and excited. I always hated when people would look at the crazy little boys crawling all over me and well-meaningly said, "It goes so fast." But kiddo, it really has gone so fast. The days were long, some longer than others, but the years really did pass in a blink of an eye.
As a mom, I have tried so hard to enjoy all the moments, and appreciate the now; to love you as you are in that stage of your life. Obviously I haven't been perfect at it, but I hope as you get older you realize just how much you are loved and wanted and needed. You are loved because you're you. Not because you're handsome, funny, smart, interesting, kind, spiritual, talented, and fun to be around. Those all are things that describe you. But Cruise, you are loved simply because you are you. You are mine. All of those descriptions could fall away and I would love you just the same. You are the greatest thing I've ever done.
I gave birth to you when I was super young and needed a lot more experience. You came along and we became a little team. I helped you grow, just as you helped me. In a very real sense, we raised each other. We didn't do too bad if I do say so myself. But now that you are on your way to finishing high school, I don't quite know what to do. I don't really know how to be a mom to an adult, so that's going to have to be another thing we do together. We gotta be on each other's team and lift each other up.
I love watching you grow and work through things that are hard or unpleasant. I love learning about you every day. I love our Mom & Son dates where you to tell me about your ideas and thoughts and current projects while we eat ice cream or do some other activity. I love that you greet me with a hug and say goodbye with an excited wave and huge smile across your face.
This next year is going to be a year of big decisions, but just know that no matter what you choose, I will always be here to cheer you on and support you. There is nothing you can't do. I am so proud of you Cruise. You're amazing and I love you so much!
Happy Birthday, Cruise!
Love,
Mom
