Not Alone

I wrote this on March 24th of this year. I never posted it. Maybe I felt ashamed or embarrassed because only a couple people see me at my worst and even that is too many for me to feel good about. But this is my blog, and I write it for me and my kids. It's always good to go back and read things like this, especially when I am struggling. So I'm gonna just put it right here: 

Some days are great. I will feel normal, my anxiety won't be through the roof, I can deal with meltdowns and angry children with patience and understanding. But then there are days where I can't get out of bed, where I don't shower or even get out of my pajamas. Days I will hide inside my house, randomly burst into tears, and if left alone for too long, begin to contemplate how I can hurt or kill myself. I am in a constant state of self observation. I get exhausted taking care of myself, and the days I am terribly depressed, I don't even try. I hate how much work it is to feel relatively normal. I get angry. I miss the days before all this began, where it wasn't a daily struggle to not just survive, but to enjoy life.

And then when my thoughts turn to how much work it is and what the point of me trying is, I am so grateful that all I have to do is look around me and see my children and my husband. Constant reminders of why I must continue to work at this every day. Why I must not give up. And honestly, I would not be able to do it on my own. I am witness to tender mercies every single day. Some days I may not recognize them, but as I sit here writing this, I realize that each day I am given the gift of life, of love, of patience, of understanding and support. Between my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and my sweet husband, I am given so much more than I feel deserving of.

Dave has come to learn that he needs to make sure I get out of bed in the morning, ask if I have taken my meds before bed, give me time to practice my drums, and to ask me how I am doing before he leaves for work. At times I feel like a burden and that I require too much attention, and the truth is I don't want any of it, but it is what I need. And for Dave's sacrifice and extra attention, I am truly grateful. He is the most patient person I know. And although he doesn't always understand, he serves me with a perfect love and helps lift a burden that is hard for him to imagine. I couldn't do it without him.

In the times I find myself in a fog, alone with my depression and the horrible agony that accompanies bipolar, the only one I can turn to is my Heavenly Father. The person who knows what I am experiencing in that moment. The person I know who will not judge me for the destructive thoughts racing through my head. The only one who knows what it's like to be me. And there are always days I fall on my knees, begging Him to take this away. But I am always given the same answer every time: this is yours to bear, but I am here to help you carry it. And as much as I hate knowing that I have to endure and carry my burdens, I am equally grateful and humbled to know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, will bear my burdens with me. Little old me.

He is aware of me, even when I feel that He shouldn't be. He is there when I cry to him to help me sleep, to make my emotional and mental agony leave me for just a moment, to send me comfort when I find myself falling to my knees in despair and hopelessness. He is there. I know He is. I know because in my darkest hours, He sends me the Holy Ghost to not just comfort me, but to carry me through the fog to safety. It is humbling to know that of the millions and millions of people on this earth, my Heavenly Father is aware of me, knows what I need and is there to remind me of His perfect, unconditional love. To remind me that I am not alone.