Not Alone

I wrote this on March 24th of this year. I never posted it. Maybe I felt ashamed or embarrassed because only a couple people see me at my worst and even that is too many for me to feel good about. But this is my blog, and I write it for me and my kids. It's always good to go back and read things like this, especially when I am struggling. So I'm gonna just put it right here: 

Some days are great. I will feel normal, my anxiety won't be through the roof, I can deal with meltdowns and angry children with patience and understanding. But then there are days where I can't get out of bed, where I don't shower or even get out of my pajamas. Days I will hide inside my house, randomly burst into tears, and if left alone for too long, begin to contemplate how I can hurt or kill myself. I am in a constant state of self observation. I get exhausted taking care of myself, and the days I am terribly depressed, I don't even try. I hate how much work it is to feel relatively normal. I get angry. I miss the days before all this began, where it wasn't a daily struggle to not just survive, but to enjoy life.

And then when my thoughts turn to how much work it is and what the point of me trying is, I am so grateful that all I have to do is look around me and see my children and my husband. Constant reminders of why I must continue to work at this every day. Why I must not give up. And honestly, I would not be able to do it on my own. I am witness to tender mercies every single day. Some days I may not recognize them, but as I sit here writing this, I realize that each day I am given the gift of life, of love, of patience, of understanding and support. Between my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and my sweet husband, I am given so much more than I feel deserving of.

Dave has come to learn that he needs to make sure I get out of bed in the morning, ask if I have taken my meds before bed, give me time to practice my drums, and to ask me how I am doing before he leaves for work. At times I feel like a burden and that I require too much attention, and the truth is I don't want any of it, but it is what I need. And for Dave's sacrifice and extra attention, I am truly grateful. He is the most patient person I know. And although he doesn't always understand, he serves me with a perfect love and helps lift a burden that is hard for him to imagine. I couldn't do it without him.

In the times I find myself in a fog, alone with my depression and the horrible agony that accompanies bipolar, the only one I can turn to is my Heavenly Father. The person who knows what I am experiencing in that moment. The person I know who will not judge me for the destructive thoughts racing through my head. The only one who knows what it's like to be me. And there are always days I fall on my knees, begging Him to take this away. But I am always given the same answer every time: this is yours to bear, but I am here to help you carry it. And as much as I hate knowing that I have to endure and carry my burdens, I am equally grateful and humbled to know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, will bear my burdens with me. Little old me.

He is aware of me, even when I feel that He shouldn't be. He is there when I cry to him to help me sleep, to make my emotional and mental agony leave me for just a moment, to send me comfort when I find myself falling to my knees in despair and hopelessness. He is there. I know He is. I know because in my darkest hours, He sends me the Holy Ghost to not just comfort me, but to carry me through the fog to safety. It is humbling to know that of the millions and millions of people on this earth, my Heavenly Father is aware of me, knows what I need and is there to remind me of His perfect, unconditional love. To remind me that I am not alone.

Health Updates Part 2

Well, the good news is that Cruise's EEG came back normal! The bad news is we still have no idea what is going on. I will be taking him in to see his pediatrician again and ask him about a hunch Dave and I have about Cruise possibly being hypoglycemic. So, we'll see how that goes.

As far as my meds go, they still have me on the mood stabilizer and started me on a new antidepressant just this week. The one I was on before was an SSRI, but now they put me on an SNRI in hopes that I don't experience the same side effects as I did with the SSRI. So hopefully in the next week or so I will be able to see how effective it is. And, of course, I still am using an anxiety med as needed, which seems to always be more often this time of year with Christmas and all things surrounding it. It's a love/hate kind of season. But the upside to staying busy is that I don't have time to sit around depressed and spaced out. So that's a good thing.

Health Updates

I thought I'd post this mostly for myself, since I tend to forget these things. It's kind of a downer post, so feel free to NOT read this. Lol!

I guess I'll go first. A few months ago, they added an antidepressant on top of my mood stablizer, which worked great except for some not-so-great side effects, but I kept taking it. On them, I wasn't depressed and I wasn't happy. Just kind of numb. So then they added another medication on top of that which caused me to have horrible nausea and stomach pain, so I went off of that. Then last week I decided to get off of my antidepressant because I no longer could deal with the side effects of that. And so now, here I am back just to the mood stabelizer and it kind of sucks. I am not depressed, but I am irritable and moody. I know it would help to work out regularly again, but I just can't seem to find the time nor the motivation. I am looking to switch psychiatrists because I feel like a science experiment most of the time and I hate it. I am seeing a really good therapist (who also tells me I need to exercise), he has also told me to practice my drums regularly, which I would really like to do, but again, when would I do that?

I have been going to physical therapy for my hips and tailbone. My hips are doing significantly better! I never thought they wouldn't hurt again. My tailbone seems to do better during the week, and then I sit for 3 hours at church and it kind of messes it up again. I might just have to get one of those awesome donuts to sit on, ha ha! And, of course, the physical therapist tells me I need to work out as well. You'd think by this point I would start working out, but as much as I want to, I don't really know how, where, and when. It's frustrating.

So, that's where I am at. I'm fine.

Now to Cruise...

A couple weeks ago I got a call from Cruise's teacher, Mr. Middleton, saying that Cruise was shaking. It started with his hands, and then moved to his arms and then his upper body. It was uncontrollable and lasted about a half hour. He still was responsive but not as aware and usual. I rushed to the school and by that time he was no longer shaking. I took him home and remembered that I had just refilled his ADD meds and that they were a different color and size than normal. So we all went to the pharmacy to talk to the pharmacist about it and it turned out they were the wrong meds. They had given us the same medication but the kind you are supposed to swallow (10 mg) only once a day. Cruise takes a chewable (5mg) twice a day. However, that day I forgot to give it to him, so even though it was possible it could've been the meds, I was doubtful.

I got him into his pediatrician later that afternoon and the Dr. agreed with me that it probably wasn't the medication. He wasn't quite sure what was going on, but maybe thought it could be something called a partial seizure. So he referred us to a pediatric neurologist. The Sunday before seeing the neurologist, Cruise had another episode, but only his hands. I took him to see the neurologist this past week and he also was a little stumped, but ordered an EEG, so I will be making an appointment for that this week. Today he had another episode, again just his hands. He also has been ahving a hard time every now and then explaining what he means and even messes up words sometimes. I've been worried about him, but right now there is not much I can do until we get the EEG results.

Wish I had some awesome news at this point, but that's life, am I right?

Miles is 9 Months & An Update on Everyone Else

At Joey's wedding reception

Miles

Miles turned 9 months on the 22nd! Chubs is doing awesome and is right on track for development. His sensory sensitivities have been slowly decreasing which is relieving. Our favorite thing lately is that he can now wave. He'll wave for a little and then stare at his hand as he waves as if to think "Why is this so fun for them?"

Miles has also been pulling himself up on things. He's still wobbly and has been practicing sitting from standing without completely smashing his face in. Miles still loves his baths, especially with Jett. If it even looks like he's going to get a bath he starts waving his arms and getting all excited. If he hears a tub filling up, he quickly crawls to the bathroom in hopes that he'll get a bath too. Chubs loves his doggy Lucy, who, of course, puts up with the pulling, the climbing, and the biting.

Miles loves to give kisses, especially to his Daddy. He, like the other boys, has become quite the Daddy's boy and must be acknowledged by Dave when he gets home from work or even enters a room. He also has started to cry when either Dave or I leave a room.

Chubs is already in 12-18 month clothing but will still fit into his 9-12 month (barely). He definitely has the same physique as Cruise. He loves to eat, especially meats & vegetables (baby food) and enjoys trying new foods, especially if they are from our plate. His new favorite is black beans (pictured below). Miles has been teething for a month and finally cut his first tooth! I haven't been able to get a good picture of it yet, but it's there! Tooth #2 should be on its way out pretty soon.

He eats grass too.

Here are is 9 month measurements:
Weight: 20.77 lbs.-68th percentile
Length: 28.75 in.-64th percentile
Head Cir: 18 in.-70th percentile

Jett

Jett has been having a pretty free summer so far. He gets to play a lot, but that also means he gets super grumpy around dinner time when he is hungry and needing a nap. He plays with Cruise usually pretty well, although they have their usual sibling fights every so often. He also has been having fun playing with his friends Connor, Dylan and Camry.

Remember how I was ticked about Jett finally qualifying for speech services two weeks before school ended? Well I was finally able to enroll him in speech therapy at Orem Pediatric Rehab, which is where I had Cruise for two years doing OT and speech. In fact, the same speech therapist (SLP), April, who worked with Cruise, is working with Jett now! Want to know how amazing she is? These days she usually only subs for SLPs who call in sick since she has 3 boys of her own, but has gotten permission to have regular session with Jett each week. I love that lady! He has had 2 sessions so far and is making good progress. We work on his speech at home but he gets frustrated with it easier. For April he works really hard and doesn't get frustrated as easily. He gets so excited when he knows it's Speech Therapy day!

Jett this past month worked for a bug vacuum that sucks up bugs and traps them into a little see-through plastic chamber where you can study them and then release them. He earned 20 marbles and was finally able to get it! He's been using it to suck up all kinds of creatures and even uses it to suck up crickets to feed the lizards.

Speaking of lizards, the boys now own 2 lizards, one male and one female. The female just laid 7 eggs, so come August, we should have some baby lizards running around! I think I'll send them home with neighbor kids as party favors for Cruise's birthday...good idea?

Cruise

Cruise and his "Clean Potion"

Cruise has been jumping between two personas lately: Jungle Cruise and Dr. Cruise. Jungle Cruise wears a jungle hat and vest (which he also worked for and got with 20 marbles) and is all about exploring, especially the "Lehi forest" which is a dead end in our neighborhood full of weeds and bugs.

Dr. Cruise is more of the indoor persona of his. He wears a lab coat. My mom had given him all sorts of chemistry stuff for him to use. It got so out of hand that I had to give him his own area in the garage for his "lab". We usually just give him water with food coloring in it and he uses that to make "potions". Looks like the science gene skipped a generation, eh Grandma Greer?

Cruise has been doing incredibly well in ABA this summer. He is flying through goals and making so much progress! He is doing 15 hours a week and works really hard every day.

Dave
I finally have pictures of Dave's garden! He has worked so hard on it and making use of all the space we have.

Strawberries

Banana squash, tomatoes, green onions, cilatro

Tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, jalapenos, carrots, mint & rosemary in the pots

Raspberries that snuck under the fence from the neighbor's garden. Sweet!

Apple and Peach trees

Lots of peaches!!!

And guess what Dave built today! Seriously, I don't know how he does it, but somehow he does. This bad boy took him 3 hours. Now we just have to sand and paint it and we'll have a nice picnic table for the backyard! Woohoo!

This guy rocks...and planks. 

Emily

I've been doing AWESOME! My meds have kicked in and I've been feeling great for the past week. I met with my psychiatrist this past Thursday and things seem like they are on track. I told her I haven't felt this well since 2008. I finally feel like I'm not constantly at battle with my brain. Another week and my meds go up to 100mg from 50. Hopefully they will keep working well. When I initially went in, I was told to start exercising for the endorphin benefits. The last thing someone on the depressive end of bipolar wants to do is exercise. So I didn't for the first two weeks before the medication started working. By week three I started walking as often as I could (alone, as I was instructed) and doing a bit of this and that like workout videos, treadmill, or walking outside. After day two of walking and having horrible shin splints, I realized it was time to get some decent shoes. I have never had good running shoes, and so I went to Kohls and bought myself some Nikes. Seriously?! These babies are the most comfortable shoe's I've ever owned! And I can actually run without it hurting! 

You know, working out solely for the endorphin benefits versus working out to lose weight is so much more enjoyable and motivating. The weight loss and muscle building are just secondary benefits. But those endorphins are like candy for my brain and I actually like working out for the first time in years. I'm not thinking about how many pounds I have left to lose, how to tighten those jiggly parts, or where I need to build more muscle. I'm thinking about how amazing my brain is going to feel after I finish a workout. Even during it, I feel so happy and relaxed, especially with my own mix playing.

I haven't been doing much else other than getting better and taking care of the family. I have to be careful to not overdo it since I'm not at a full dose yet, but I have been able to cook dinner every night now, which was super hard before my medication. My house is still messy, but I'm not getting depressed about it anymore. Just as long as I keep trying, things are great! 

Bipolar Hair

Last week was a bad, bad week as far as my bipolar goes. Some extremely low days that I wouldn't have gotten through without Dave. I was so grateful to be able to get my hair done towards the end of the week. It was so great to sit and talk to my good friend Michelle who does my hair at her salon in Riverton. She has been the only friend thus far who has been brave/thoughtful/caring enough to just talk to me about my own issues and how I'm doing. I really needed that. But on top of all that, she gave me a new cut and color for a new and improved Emily. My meds should be kicking in pretty soon and I am already starting to feel a little better. Some days are better than others, but my new hair has given me a little boost. I got it dark with some crazy red. I call this haircut/color "Is my mania showing?":

There's my mania right...there!

Dear Bipolar,

Today I found out about you. I found out that for a long time you’ve messed with my happiness, my feelings of sanity and contentment. You were the one who made all that I once enjoyed something of the past. You pushed away friends and family members. You made me feel incredible at one point, only to drop me to the lowest depths of despair and emotional pain. You’ve messed with my relationships with my dear husband and beautiful children. If there is any reason to rid you of my being, it is that: my family. You cannot take that from me. You won’t; I won’t let you.

Now that I know about you, I have realized that the destruction and psychological fractures you’ve inflicted can be repaired. I refuse to let you win. I refuse to let you run my life. I will fight you until the day I take my last breath. I will do all in my power to see you shrink into a bad dream of the past. I hate you. I truly hate you.

What you don’t realize, is that my drive and resolve are stronger than you. My support system can over-take you. I am more than you realize and I am worth the fight, my husband is worth the fight, my children are worth the fight. You will lose, and I will conquer my demons, specifically you, Bipolar.

You messed with the wrong girl.

Your worst nightmare,

Emily